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Old 03-11-2009, 03:58 PM
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Default In honor of St. Patrick's Day

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the
Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

************************************************** ************************************************** **************

"I've Lost Me Luggage"

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

************************************************** ************************************************** *

"Water to Wine"

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

************************************************** ************************************************** ***

"The Brothel"

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."

Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.

************************************************** ************************************************** ***********

Irish Cemetery

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard..

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."!

Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims,

"Miles, from Dublin."

************************************************** ************************************************** ***************

Irish Predicament

Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but Ole Mulvihill just sits there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

************************************************** ************************************************** **************

Irish Last Request

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'
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  #2  
Old 03-11-2009, 06:06 PM
cynon767's Avatar
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Sacramento, California
Posts: 230
Default Re: In honor of St. Patrick's Day

Not the most p.c., but one of my favorites nontheless:

Paddy's about to leave the pub after the last bell. He's so pissed he falls on the floor. He can't manage to stand up, so he crawls out the door, round the corner, and up the stairs to the flat.

In the morning, he wakes with a splitting headache to Mary, doing dishes loudly and without any pity whatsoever. With only a dim recollection of the night before, he wonders how badly he's offended her this time.

"Have mercy, darlin'. I was out with the lads last night, and I'm feelin' a bit rough this mornin'."

Mary scoffed... "I know... Seamus from the pub rang already. He said you forgot your wheelchair."
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  #3  
Old 03-12-2009, 08:07 AM
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Location: Orange, CA
Posts: 228
Default Re: In honor of St. Patrick's Day

Gavin was walking along the shore, when he spied a bottle, half buried in the sand. After brushing it off, he pulled the cork to see if there was anything to drink inside.

This, of course, released the genie. The genie being glad to be free after several hundred years in the bottle granted Gavin TWO wishes.

The genie asked Gavin what his first wish would be. After just a moment or two of thought, Gavin said "I'll have a bottomless pint of Guinness." Just like magic, the pint appeared.

After drinking his fill - it was a bottomless pint after all - the genie pressed Gavin for his final wish.

"This Guinness is surely fine; I think I'll have another."
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Old 03-15-2009, 01:03 PM
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Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 148
Default Re: In honor of St. Patrick's Day

Blessing for St Patrick's Day

In the end, there are only two things to worry about: either you are well or you are sick.
When you're well, there is nothing to worry about.
But if you're sick, then there are two things to worry about: either you get well or you will die.
When you get well, there is nothing to worry about.
But when you die, then there are two things to worry about: either you'll go to heaven or you'll go to hell.
When you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about.
But when you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends, you won't have time to worry!

SO WHY WORRY!?

(Works for me, and I'm not even Irish - although some of my best friends....)
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  #5  
Old 03-24-2009, 12:19 PM
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Location: Orange, CA
Posts: 228
Default Re: In honor of St. Patrick's Day

It is a little late, but who could resist one more.

TWO IRISH GUYS "WALK" OUT OF A BAR..............IT COULD HAPPEN!!!!!


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