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Square Jokes

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  • Square Jokes

    from the old Hollywood Squares.....by the time I've read these I'm usually teared up pretty well

    Peter Marshall: Paul, can you get an elephant drunk?
    Paul Lynde: Yes, but he still won't go up to your apartment.

    Peter Marshall: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
    Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

    Peter Marshall: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
    Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

    Peter Marshall: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
    Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

    Peter Marshall: Prometheus was tied to the top of a mountain by the gods because he had given something to man. What did he give us?
    Paul Lynde: I don't know what you got, but I got a sports shirt.

    Peter Marshall: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
    George Goebel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.

    Peter Marshall: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
    Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

    Peter Marshall: According to Zsa Zsa, does black look sexy on a woman?
    Redd Foxx: I wouldn't have it any other way...

    Peter Marshall: What are "dual purpose" cattle good for that other cattle aren't?
    Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies... but I don't recommend the cookies!

    Peter Marshall: If you find someone lying unconscious in the street, should you do anything?
    George Goebel: I'd probably crawl around him I guess.

    Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
    Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

    Peter Marshall: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
    Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!

    Peter Marshall: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
    Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

    Peter Marshall: Eddie, according to the Institute of Motivational Research, a wife should be beware if another woman takes an interest in a certain item of her husband's clothing. What item?
    Ed Asner: Well, shorts immediately springs to my mind...

    Peter Marshall: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
    Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

    Peter Marshall: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
    George Goebel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...

    Peter Marshall: Is there a weight limit for bags on airline flights in this country?
    Charley Weaver: If she can fit under the seat, she can fly.

    Peter Marshall: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
    Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

    Peter Marshall: Can boys join the camp fire girls?
    Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

    Peter Marshall: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
    Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

    Peter Marshall: True or false, George...experts say there are only seven or eight things in the world dumber than an ant.
    George Goebel: Yes, and I think I voted for six of 'em.

    Peter Marshall: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
    Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

    Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
    Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

    Peter Marshall: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?
    Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!

    Peter Marshall: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body-what is it?
    Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

    Peter Marshall: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
    Charley Weaver: A divorcee.

    Peter Marshall: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
    George Goebel: Get it in his mouth.

    Peter Marshall: According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margret would like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait a while. Why?
    Paul Lynde: He's out of town.

    Peter Marshall: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
    Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the question.

    Peter Marshall: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
    Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

    Peter Marshall: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
    Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

    Peter Marshall: James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it?
    Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.

    Peter Marshall: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
    Charley Weaver: His feet.

    Peter Marshall: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
    Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

    Peter Marshall: Do female frogs croak?
    Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water.

    Peter Marshall: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
    Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
    Sharing life's positives and loving the slow food lane

  • #2
    Re: Square Jokes

    Thanks Jim...a great way to start Saturday morning..a good laugh and a cup of coffee

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